What's My Child Doing Wrong?
What's My Child Doing Wrong?
By David Benzel, Author, Speaker, Growing Champions for Life, May 2015
It must be in our parental DNA. I'm referring to our inherent sense of responsibility for everything our children do. I'm not just talking about their behavior in the grocery store, classroom, and playground. We also seem to feel responsible for the quality of their backhand, dismount, flip turn, double Lutz, and corner kick. For what other reason do we frequently feel an obligation to know the answer to this question: "What's my child doing wrong?" This is usually asked of a coach, official, or even another parent. With the best of intentions we ask:
•Why did the judge deduct points?
•Why didn't he get credit for that?
•Why is she falling on that?
•Why isn't he hitting the ball farther?
•Why isn't she getting more playing time?
•Why is he not winning more?
Our intentions are honorable. We wish to be knowledgeable, and if our curiosity stopped there it wouldn't be so bad. But the truth is that we actually want to know so we can fix it. We want to ride in on our white horse and save our kids from another less-than-perfect performance. Our assumption is that if we know the answer to the question we'll be able to tell our children what to do so they can be successful. This is where our basic assumption - and our motive - is ironically flawed in several ways.
Brutal Truth #1 - Your child is doing nothing wrong! She's struggling; she's learning; she's struggling some more. This is exactly what she's supposed to be doing. It's the journey of every athlete. Reassure her that she can and will make progress through perseverance.
Brutal Truth #2 -Figuring it out is necessary for your child. Telling isn't teaching. Part of being an athlete is figuring out what works and what doesn't work. It's all about discovering the strategies that improve performance. The discovery process is actually postponed or inhibited when parents try to short-circuit that process by "telling" or giving the answer. Encourage your child to be a problem solver.
Brutal Truth #3 - It does not belong to you because sport is a gift you give to a child. It's a child's responsibility to ask the question "How can I do this better?" - And to find the answer. If there's any "telling" to be done it's the coach's responsibility to do the telling, and to deliver the message at the most opportune times for maximum impact. Suggest to your child that the coach is a resource to be tapped with good questions. An older athlete that your child admires can also give encouraging advice.
When our children ask us "What am I doing wrong?" our response would be more helpful in the long-run if we said: "What a great question! What do you think the answer is? If you don't know, where do you suppose you could go to find the answer? Please let me know what you find out because I'm really interested." While this may sound evasive or less than helpful, consider this question: "What kind of problem solving athletes (and adults) will our children become if we don't allow them to find good resources and figure out the tough questions about their own performances?" Most of us are not experts in our child's sport. And even if you are, giving the answer does not teach your child the art of problem solving. It just increases their dependence.
©David Benzel and Growing Champions for Life. All rights reserved.2105
•Why did the judge deduct points?
•Why didn't he get credit for that?
•Why is she falling on that?
•Why isn't he hitting the ball farther?
•Why isn't she getting more playing time?
•Why is he not winning more?
Our intentions are honorable. We wish to be knowledgeable, and if our curiosity stopped there it wouldn't be so bad. But the truth is that we actually want to know so we can fix it. We want to ride in on our white horse and save our kids from another less-than-perfect performance. Our assumption is that if we know the answer to the question we'll be able to tell our children what to do so they can be successful. This is where our basic assumption - and our motive - is ironically flawed in several ways.
Brutal Truth #1 - Your child is doing nothing wrong! She's struggling; she's learning; she's struggling some more. This is exactly what she's supposed to be doing. It's the journey of every athlete. Reassure her that she can and will make progress through perseverance.
Brutal Truth #2 -Figuring it out is necessary for your child. Telling isn't teaching. Part of being an athlete is figuring out what works and what doesn't work. It's all about discovering the strategies that improve performance. The discovery process is actually postponed or inhibited when parents try to short-circuit that process by "telling" or giving the answer. Encourage your child to be a problem solver.
Brutal Truth #3 - It does not belong to you because sport is a gift you give to a child. It's a child's responsibility to ask the question "How can I do this better?" - And to find the answer. If there's any "telling" to be done it's the coach's responsibility to do the telling, and to deliver the message at the most opportune times for maximum impact. Suggest to your child that the coach is a resource to be tapped with good questions. An older athlete that your child admires can also give encouraging advice.
When our children ask us "What am I doing wrong?" our response would be more helpful in the long-run if we said: "What a great question! What do you think the answer is? If you don't know, where do you suppose you could go to find the answer? Please let me know what you find out because I'm really interested." While this may sound evasive or less than helpful, consider this question: "What kind of problem solving athletes (and adults) will our children become if we don't allow them to find good resources and figure out the tough questions about their own performances?" Most of us are not experts in our child's sport. And even if you are, giving the answer does not teach your child the art of problem solving. It just increases their dependence.
©David Benzel and Growing Champions for Life. All rights reserved.2105
